STRUG-GLIN

Today is the first day I'm REALLY lookin around my house like, "What can I EAT???" It just hit me, though, something that could be the cause!

Well... there's the whole monthly cycle thing... I think it's the time of the month where I'm just more hungry.

Besides that... I didn't have my shake in the morning like I usually do. I've actually yet to have it at all. I went for a walk with a friend, and she wanted to stop in at a cafe mid-walk. We had an impromptu breakfast. I was going to get some oatmeal, but an omelet was suggested and I figured I'd get more protein that way. I asked for fruit instead of the potatoes and bread. Unfortunately, when my plate came, they forgot about my substitution... and I ate the bread. I only ended up eating half of the omelet and just a couple bites of potatoes, and packaged up the rest for my husband to eat later. I enjoyed the time with my friend. BUT, when we were leaving, I felt guilty for having eaten the bread (with butter and jam)... and I started down the old thought process of, "Well, I've screwed up, so why not just enjoy the rest of the day?"... oh man, that's a doozy of a wrong thought.

I did drink my water as we walked, and I had only had my coffee before that (I know, awful, but we had a rough start to our day and I needed to get my two boys, a class project, and my camera ready to go capture Joe's class play... I ran out of time to eat). So, as I drove home, I realized that I probably wasn't THAT far off from where I should be with my calories for the day. I only ate a little less than half of the omelet, that wasn't huge anyway, and a couple slices of sourdough bread. So, I got home and logged what I ate (as best I could)... (now realizing I forgot about the butter)... and grabbed my water.

BUT... then I grabbed my coconut and started just eating it. Not measuring to know I'm eating the right portion, as I have been. I was feeling a big out of control and not wanting to find control... just wanting to enjoy some nice soothing FEASTING! lol

So, here I am... writing it out, getting it off of my brain and making it somehow more "real" since I have now written it. I'm off to go make my shake, even though it's not really "time" for me to be eating right now... just so I will STOP thinking about food!

Tonight is a busy night with Awana... I'll plan my snacks, eat light, and drink my water... to try to recoop this day.

Oh... one other thing set me off too... I weighed this morning. I hadn't weighed yesterday, and there has not been one day since the beginning where I have gone over calories... but, I was UP in my weight. I know, fluctuation happens, but it messes up my mind and somehow makes me want to eat... which makes me gain, and I go down that bummer cycle all over again.

I'm Done. I will NOT binge eat today, I will NOT think the wrong thoughts about why I should eat or why I shouldn't care... I'm off to "Shake it up" and move on from this struggling morning! Praise the Lord!

When it's not fun anymore...

This morning, I didn't wake up excited. I know I just posted that great first week loss of 5.5, but I just woke up less than enthused. Then, I had to finish up a project for Matthew's teacher really quickly (which turned into up until the minute we had to leave) so I didn't get anything to eat or drink before bringing them to school. I'm home now, but nothing sounds good. It's cold out, so I don't want my smoothy just yet. I'm sippin on my coffee (which doesn't have caffeine because I can't, so it's basically a lot of cream and sugar that will make me have to watch my calories the rest of the day, but the flavor is comforting)... and I don't feel like logging it. I don't feel like cleaning my house, I don't feel like anything.

It's not fun right now.

That's what I just sat here and thought. But then, I realized, I was never promised "fun." dang it. (don't tell my kids I said that).

I will watch what I eat today,  I WILL end the day feeling accomplished for not having gone over my calories... but, I just flat out don't feel like it, and I'm not enjoying it.  It helps me to write this out, because my old method of dealing with these feelings would have been to walk to the pantry. So, now I'm released, having had my little tantrum/pity party... and off I go to clean my house. (insert an Eeyore voice to this post. lol Sorry, but it's reality at this very moment).

END OF WEEK ONE!

Today is it, it's the day I am supposed to be weighing in for the first time... but, well, it's the 7th time! Ha ha... I couldn't help it and I wanted to see my daily results. I do have a fun 1 week result to share with you though!

On Monday 10/21/13, I weighed in at 244.3
On Monday 10/28/13, I weighed in at 238.8

I lost 5.5 pounds this past week... counting my calories, eating less than I burn, using www.MyFitnessPal.com and replacing one meal (typically breakfast) with a Shakeology shake. Also, being unable to work out, by cardiologists recommendation for now... but, I did walk 3 miles one day with a friend who is a cardiac nurse.

I did take measurements on the first day... and I'm so glad for that. I was able to remeasure today and see some measurements lose an INCH this week! AN INCH! No, I did not "suck in." lol

I was thinking, on the way home from dropping off the boys this morning, about how excited I am to be able to be a photographer who is not fat. Not only because my confidence to meet with people will be so much greater, but also because I'll be able to MOVE with out being awkward. This past week, I got down on my hands and knees to photograph something, when I sat up onto my knees, my ankle cracked. It HURT, but I couldn't let on to my client that I was hurting so I kept smiling away shooting their family. That was almost a week ago now and my ankle is still sore if I bend it the "right" way. I'm tired of that. I work with children a lot, so I'm getting down on my belly, doing the army crawl, squatting all the time and I can't tell you how SORE I am the day after and second day after a shoot.

When I think of the things I'm looking forward to as I lose this extra weight... being healthy for my family comes first, having energy to keep up with my two crazy boys and my ever messy house, being able to put on an outfit to go out with my husband and ACTUALLY feel like I look hot, and being able to be a healthy photographer is definitely at the top of the list also. So many great things are just ahead as I keep up my efforts and get this junk off my body!

Small Victories...

Today... I ordered a large water (and even paid $0.32 for it), at McDonald's instead of a large Diet Coke!! I WANTED that Diet Coke, I'm telling ya... something BAD, but I knew I hadn't drank enough (or possibly any) water today, so I had to make a smart choice!

What is the world coming to and who in the world is this new me?? Ha ha... Smiling at the Small Victories!

Mind Correction...

This morning, I was thinking about my thinking. I'll throw out a confession... I weighed this morning and I've lost 3.4 pounds since Monday. (it's Saturday)... In a normal every day life, that would be awesome. For me, I had hoped for a big "first week loss" due to the fact that we "always lose water weight" etc. I had read in some of the shakeology paperwork about a girl who lost 12 pounds in the first week... She was probably allowed to work out though.  I just started to recognize my discouragement trying to creep in, and I thought of a verse...

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

I had to stop and recognize how many times in my daily life my mind wonders to things OTHER than what is mentioned above. I have to take a minute and say, "NO... I wont." I have to take a second and say, "I have lost weight, I am making great efforts, I have not cheated, I have allowed myself a balanced life with out a binge session, I am making a positive change...." and think on the things that are praiseworthy.

It's a great awareness for me, that my mind is weak and I struggle with thinking poorly of myself and my progress... so I can keep it in check and remember to speak positive truths into my own heart and mind.  I love that, "There's a verse for that"... (Think "There's an app for that")... There really is an app for just about everything, but if we turn our thoughts over to the Lord and seek out His truths in the Word, there's a verse to encourage us right where we are too!

(for those of you wondering "How" I'm losing weight... I am doing one meal replacement shake through Shakeology, and then I am logging everything I eat on www.MyFitnessPal.com and drinking my 8 cups of water each day. I'll soon be visiting the cardiologists again and trying to get an approval to work out again... that will help my progress... but, for now, it's ALL about the food I choose to eat.)

Being Home... and McD's Parfaits

I had a day this week when I had to be out almost all of the day.  For someone who is just starting to try to lose weight and be healthy... that's a FREAKY day!  What do you eat? Because I didn't know what to eat or where to eat it, I just didn't want to eat! There ARE a lot of places you can go to get food, and there are even things you can run into the grocery store to get etc... But, it's the thought process involved that is a DRAG.  I'd rather stay home all day and eat my "safe foods" there, then have to go eat on the run. A week ago, I wouldn't have had my banana or bag of carrots in my car with me! lol

When I'm out... and I feel the urge to drive through McD's... I do it. lol Sounds funny, and the honest truth is that I don't always do it. But, I have found that I REALLY enjoy the McD's yogurt parfaits. They are only 150 calories (but high in sugar, which is why I don't always)... and I still get that... hmmm, not quite "rush" but feelings of having driven through somewhere and got something. Back in 2008, when I lost almost 100 pounds, I used to get McD's ice cream cones when I need a little something... also 150 calories, also on the higher side with sugar.... but, it's nice to have those "low cal" go-to items when you're feeling an urge and don't want to just tell yourself "NO" and go home.

Last Week v.s. This Week...

I was asked by my friend to write her an email explaining how I felt last week compared to this week.  I thought it was a great moment to reflect and I'd rather do it here and then send this to her! ;)

"Last week"... it will actually be a couple weeks ago... before it finally clicked in my head that it's time. I saw a photo of Michelle on Facebook with her Shakeology shake in hand. I had never known that Michelle had a weight struggle in her past, so she all of the sudden became more "legit" to my struggle. Now, I have tried green smoothies, diet drinks, and on and on... so nothing ever seems to "click" with me because I feel like I've "OD'd" on them all. For some reason... her chocolate shake looked good. SHE looks good, and that was just enough to put me over the edge. I wanted to try it. After all, if I fail and lose nothing during the month of shakeology I purchased, they give me my money back. It's a win/win. So, I have to go further back than the literal "last week" because it's been a couple since I saw Michelle's picture and decided to place my order for Shakeology.

Me, two weeks ago. I woke up tired. I drove my boys to school in my PJ's because I could drop them off at the circle, and nothing in my closet fit anyway. I actually even wore my slippers because they were cozy and I was lazy. When I got home, I had to figure out what I was going to wear, because I didn't want my husband to get home and see that I'm still in the ol jammers. I'd pull out a few things, try them on, they don't fit, feel discouraged, and put on a fresh pair of yoga pants and t-shirt (aka: PJ's, and every day wear).

For breakfast, I scarfed down whatever I wanted... typically, eggo waffles with my boys and coffee with all the sugar and cream a girl could dream of. The rest of the day was spent eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted... for any reason I wanted. Most of the time because I just wanted a snack to be with me here at my desk while I edited photos.

Still... feeling worn out. Feeling irritable easily at my children, and not having the "want to" to clean my house or make dinner (which, I'm still building up). I was fighting off depression and really not enjoying ME, not enjoying the life that I am very blessed to have. More and more self doubt was constantly creeping in, because I let it. I, honestly, started to wonder... "what about me could my husband actually be attracted to?" He still showed me love and support, but in my mind it had to be all fake and he "had to" feel disgusted with me.

I was sad.... which meant I ate... which meant I kept going in the cycle of gaining weight and feeling sad and eating and gaining weight and feeling sad and eating and gaining weight and feeling sad and eating... you get the point. I wanted things to be different, but I didn't want to have to MAKE them be different... because I had done that before and failed myself and then I'm REALLY sad and REALLY eating... yada yada yada.

But, that photo of Michelle... it clicked. THAT was going to be the thing that I would use as a tool to help me to get my "want to" back. So, the order was placed, the waiting happened (all while nervous of what that meant when it arrived etc and fear of failure), and then... IT CAME. Gulp. It showed up on a friday, just as I was walking out the door for my anniversary weekend away. So, I knew, that Monday would be my day.

Today, is Friday. I have had a solid 5 days of making a change in my life. I have lost 3.2 pounds, and I have truly gained the "want to" back into my heart. I'm SO thankful for that. When I wake up, I have more energy (even though my son has been waking me up at 5-5:30 recently)... I'm groggy to start the day that early, but I feel more "get up and go" through out my day. I don't always get out of my yoga pants (because it's only been 3.2 pounds, so not much fits still)... but, I do put my tennis shoes on and get my mindset into a "Let's have at it" kind of approach to my day.

I have walked with a friend this week... THREE MILES! I was pretty impressed with myself, seeing that I have not done that in.... probably years now. The cardiologist told me I can't, but my walking buddy is a cardiac nurse, so I figured I was in good hands! lol

I have hope. I think that is the greatest change. I believe in myself and I am proving to MYSELF, above all else, that I'm worth it. All of this sounds SO very cliche, especially with all the weight loss tv shows that are out there... but, it IS something that I have really had to learn. I'm proud of myself this week, and it's been a LONG time since that would have been a true statement. I'm looking forward to what's to come.

I'm not depressed. I'm worth it. There are plenty of reasons for my husband to be attracted to me. I have GONE IN to my son's class two mornings this week and participated (his proud face to have me there was SO cute!).

Things I'm still working on improving... I need a better organizational structure to my life. It's a very tough balance to be a "stay at home mom" and a photographer. I WANT to get my photos all edited and back to my clients, so I sit at my desk and work away... while my house is a HUGE mess, the dishes are piled up, and "dinner" is whatever will cook fastest out of the freezer. No joke. My husband enjoys a clean house, it helps his mind feel calm and at peace at home, and I'd love to give that to him after a long day of work. He hasn't complained, and he's offered to pick up his own dinner on the way home etc... but that feeling of unbalance is something that adds a level of stress to my life.... and stress, makes me want to eat. ;)

So... I'm losing (and yes, I know I said I wasn't going to get on the scale, but I couldn't help it! lol), and I'm gaining so much as well. I'm trying to grow, but not in my pants size!  I'm thankful for the beginning of a new, yet tough, journey... because it gets me off the old road.

I heard a quote today from John Piper: God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him.

I love that, and I'm trying to be satisfied in Him and not in food.

Beginning of Day 3...

Ok, so I wasn't able to stay away from the scale. I've weighed each morning, but it's the perfect example of why I wasn't going to do that!

Day 1: 244.3.... I stayed below my calories, I didn't give in to the temptations around me, I drank my water... on and on... so, when I woke up on Day 2, I thought for sure I'd see one of those awesome beginning of a diet weight loss days.

Day 2: 244... NOT a happy camper! Ok, so that's 0.3 loss in one day, which isn't bad when you want to lose 1-2 pounds a week... BUT, I just wanted it to be more because I had finally had a day of trying. I shouldn't have weighed. Luckily, I did get past the discouragement and I did not eat from that. I went about my day, had two photo sessions that entailed a lot of walking/squatting etc... and I stayed within my calories and all that other good stuff... I just KNEW I'd see a good loss... but wait, I wasn't going to weigh. lol

Day 3: 242.3!! There it was... the big loss I had been hoping for on day 2... So, I'm sitting at my desk, having only had my coffee so far, planning for a good day. I bought more light string cheese, I got some light almond milk... and chicken breast! Off to a good day!

BUT... On my way home from driving my boys to school, talking about Halloween (which is next week) and then the Thanksgiving/Christmas season after that. THIS is the time of year when I failed in 2008... I had lost almost 100 pounds from January to Oct... and then THIS time of year hit and my failure began.  I'm starting to pray now that the Lord would go ahead of me and make my way smooth. That He would give me the strength to not only eat within my means, but to love myself even if I have a bite too much of pie or sweet potatoes! ;) I'll admit to having to struggle with fear of failure... pretty constantly.

BUT (again)... I'm feeling great. I'm feeling the "want to" again and I'm enjoying ending my days feeling successful. It's SO much better than ending my days feeling defeated! Praise the Lord!

Off I go... to make my shake, edit yesterday's photos, and breath. :)

Day 1: Success!! (so to speak)

I know I said I was going to check in again after my weigh in, or when I'm overcome etc... But, I feel a successful day 1 is a great post topic! Now, let's get to the truth of my "successful" day 1!

I stayed under my calorie count, I drank more than the required amount of water... I didn't "move" as much as I should (still waiting on cardiology's OK to "move")...

The foods that went in my mouth were not of nutritionist's standards at some points in the day (I had a Taco Bell bean burrito for dinner)... but, I'll be happy with just staying under my calorie count for Day 1!

I wanted to eat a few times... just because. When that happened, I reached for my water and tried to find some protein to tied me over. I'm enjoying light string cheese, or, I did today.

I realize my house is not set up for success. When I went to make my Shakeology drink, I only had 2% milk to mix it with. I'm looking forward to getting to the store for some Almond Milk or even FF milk!

Side note... I'M COLD! This happened to me in 2008 when I was losing weight... I'm always cold! Upside to that is... I'm not hot! Ha ha

This has been the first day I have felt pretty stinkin awesome about my efforts!... Oh, and my husband came home, not knowing today I meant business, with a box of See's Chocolates... If you go on the About Me section of my business website (www.NicoleJacksonPhotography.com), you'll see, that is listed as one of my "Loves!" Ugh! lol I was also offered an awesome burger/fry/shake meal from my brother... OF COURSE I will have those things cross my path today of all days... But, the devil and his temptations can go take a flying leap right back into hell and out of my way... I said NO THANK YOU! :)

On to Day 2....

Today is the first day of the 1,203,450'th time of starting over...

My husband and I just had our tenth anniversary (yay!)... before we went away for the weekend, a package arrived at my door. It was from Shakeology, which my friend Michelle Skeldon introduced me to.  There it was, the thing that would help me start a new attempt at being healthy (again) for the 1,203,450th time. OK, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but it's how I feel. So, I went away on my weekend, knowing "Monday was coming." With that knowledge, I decided to start eating healthy and preparing myself for the big changes ahead... NOT!  I doubled down on all things sweet for fear that it would be the last time I'd have the opportunity for a LONG time... seeing that I have about 70 pounds to lose. (OUCH)

A brief history of my last very successful attempt at being healthy... 2008, I made the decision I was done being fat and tired, when I got on the scale and it said 265 pounds (another OUCH)... I started counting my calories, writing down what I ate, and moving as often as I could. Most of the time, that meant walking, some of the time that meant doing jumping jacks in my living room in front of my TV because I hadn't burned enough calories for the day yet (according to the bodybugg that was planted on my arm at all times). I actually remember a day I ran in circles in my little living room to get to my 10,000 steps for the day!  I got down to 168, just a few pounds shy of having lost 100 pounds in less than a year.

At that point in our lives, we had just purchased a home, had our second baby, remodeled said home, and then the market crashed. Our plan, which we felt was well put together, had a dependency on the then awesome housing market when we purchased. With the market crash, our plan crashed and we lost the home (wow, I just got that pain in my nose like I might cry... I thought I was past that)... My husband had put SO MUCH work into the home, I had moved into it with a month old baby and two year old, and we had invested so much. It was only 18months after we bought it for 500k, that it sold in a short sale for $265k. (another OUCH).

So, short story: I ate. I ate to feel better, I ate not to have to think, I ate because I was a mom of a newborn and 2yr old... I ate because it's where I thought my easiest comfort would come from. I gained. I lied to myself, "it's just a bit, you have lost so much, you can lose this easy!"... I ate, I gained, I lied to myself... it has repeated until I'm just 20 pounds shy of having gained all of the weight I had lost back. (the biggest ouch of all). There have been other struggles in the 5 years, including finding out I have a heart condition and being told by a cardiologist that I shouldn't even be walking.

I've tried a few things... ok, a lot of things... I've had a quick 30 pound loss here, 20 pounds there... always coming back with a vengeance, as though my body is telling me, "What do you think I am?" and throwing attitude back my way.

Today... it's annoying to say and so cliche, but it's a new day. Monday has come. I was supposed to walk with a friend, but her schedule needed a shift... I was supposed to get to sleep until 7am and feel rested... but my son woke up at 4:30 and I never got to go back to sleep... I stood there at 5am looking through my kitchen, wanting to eat my frustration away... and I saw the darned bag of Shakeology waiting for me to meet it today. I brewed my coffee, came to my desk to do some photo edits and brewed in my icky morning. BUT... I didn't eat. (YAY!)

I know there are so many people like me. I know there are so many people who don't think anything will ever help and who can't seem to get out of their own way. So, today, I felt like I'd start a blog to track, not my food intake or my amount of movement, but my feelings and thoughts... I'm believing I WILL get to 170 again... maybe lower, but I was a hot Mama at 170! lol... When I'm there, I'll forget some of the pain of being right here and I wont be able to truly identify, even though I think I will. Because, when I am at my goal weight, I will be like many others who can't contain their excitement (and rightly so)... but, I will have a hard time truly remembering the agony of my heaviest weight. (ok, nose pain just turned to tears, but it's the cleansing/letting go type, so I'm ok with it).

So, this is me: day 1: 244 pounds. I'm scared, of failure mostly. I'm excited, but very guardedly because of that fear of not succeeding. The truth is, it's seriously tough to believe in myself when I have failed myself so many times. I'm so thankful I have a Heavenly Father who makes me able to step outside of myself and rest in His ability to be strong for me when I'm weak... now, just to remember to turn to Him instead of food, and I'm golden!

2 Corinthans 12:9-10 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness," Therefor I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions,  in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I'm going to attempt to not weigh in again until next Monday (in the past, I've weighed in daily as I tried to lose weight, but there are so many chances for fluctuations and discouragement... I'm going to try to hold out for the bigger weekly loss)... I will check in here after my weigh ins, and at times when I'm either inspired or overcome during this journey. I pray I can be a blessing and an encouragement, even now as it's such a HUGE struggle for me..... Let the fun begin!