I was on a mission...

This morning, I'm going walking with my friend. We are meeting at 9:30, but I drive 10 minutes into town to drop off my boys for school at 8. I decided to bring my book and park my car somewhere to read. Only problem is, I forgot to eat.

The thought processes begin. 

Well, the McDs sausage egg mcmuffin has a lot of protein! There it was, I was on my way to McDs! A backup thought: It's totally within my calories means for a meal, and I'll more than burn it off on my walk. I got to the drive thru. 

"You don't have oatmeal do you?" (WHAT, where did THAT come from)(Hoping she would say no, because then id just have to get the sausage egg mcmuffin!) "Yes, we do!"

Guess who drove away from McDs with a small victory? ME! :)

On to the rest of my day and all the dumb mental processes I'll have to overcome. 

Thankful and hateful towards choices!

Afraid to Eat...

It's 9am, my day started at 6am. So far, I have only had my coffee (which does have some cream and sugar... ok, a lot of it). I'm sitting here knowing I need to eat, but almost feeling afraid. When I start the whole process of putting food into my body for the day, the battle of putting the RIGHT foods into my body begins. WHY does it have to feel so overwhelming?

End of Week Two...

Wow, this week has been a doozy. You can see by the posts I made, it just wasn't a big happy weight loss week. I went down, I went up a bit (day after Halloween), and I've gone down again. The difficult part for me is, I'm an "All or Nothing" kind of person. When I've done a "Fad diet," I follow the given rules TO THE T every time and I lose weight faster than projected etc etc. When losing weight "the right way" it's more difficult for me to follow the rules TO THE T because the rules bend a little more, to fit reality. I have a set amount of calories that I stay under, and there is a ratio of fat/protein/carbs that I also try to pay attention to... but the variations of how to get there are so vast, there aren't enough boundaries for me to stick close to.  With that, I find myself becoming bored because I take away a lot of those vast options and stick with my select few so that I feel more confined and "Followable."

All that said... My results (no drum roll please! lol)
Last week's weigh in: 238.8
This week: 238.5

On a positive note... I'm impressed with myself for recovering after my "Day after Halloween Melt Down." It actually turned into two days after Halloween (as it always does, or more, right?). I saw 240 again on the scale during this week, and it made me cry. That whole fear of failing myself, really sunk in and I almost counted myself out. I almost threw in the towel and grabbed for more chocolate! lol

For the week ahead... I am going to TRY not to get on the scale at all until Monday. I'm recognizing what a head trip I have over what that number says every day. I'm going to make my smoothy in the morning, even if it means my boys wake up to the sound of a blender! There were 2-3 days this past week where I didn't do it first thing and then the hustle and bustle of getting them TO school happened and I never got it in the morning... The only thing I had was either my coffee (which has enough calories to get my system going, trust me), or nothing at all, and then I found myself hunting for something satisfying.

My house is a wreck and I still feel at a loss for energy or "want to" to do anything about it. I'm all caught up on photo edits for my clients, and my next sessions aren't until the weekend... so, I SHOULD be able to drop the boys off, come home, and clean. Lord knows, I've cleaned other people's house for a paycheck... my family deserves for me to clean our own. We have a big Thanksgiving celebration coming up on the 23rd with my family... at MY house... gotta make shine! ;)

If I'm honest with myself and all the blog-land people... I'm not feeling excited. I was REALLY happy to see a tiny bit of a loss from last week.  I got on the scale with closed eyes, not wanting to see the amount of gain I was going to have to report! No joke. If you're the praying type, as I am, and you feel like lifting me up in prayer this week... please ask the Lord to brighten my heart. I'm so SO blessed in my life and I don't know why this "bleh" feeling is floating around in my mind and heart. I want to beat it, but I'm sure it'll only be by the grace of God. Thank You. ;)

Here's to a greater loss to report next week!

From Victory to Defeat... it's crushing.

Yesterday's post was so fun. I lost weight over Halloween night, what's up with THAT?

Do you want to know how twisted my mind works though?... When I weighed yesterday morning, I did lose weight, but my overall weight loss since Monday was only 0.5 pounds. That's Monday morning to Friday morning with no cheating, not going over on my calories and even having walked a day with my friend... total loss 0.5lbs. That was discouraging to me. So, I went from the high of having lost over Halloween, to an out of control day.

I did not get my thoughts under control, and I did not do the things that I knew would help me have more success in my day (like filling up with something healthy so the boys' candy wouldn't look so good etc). They kept bringing me pieces of candy to open for them, and I did... and then Matthew brought me a piece with his big brown eyes and asked me to share it with him, and it begun. I didn't go as out of control as I could have gone... by far, but I did eat some candy with them.  Then, later in the day when we warmed up some Eggo's... I indulged there too (no butter and syrup, but still, it was not in my plan and I had NO willpower).

This morning I laid in my bed thinking. Not really wanting to get up because then I'd have to start the day of choices. My thought process went to "That's why I like fad diets so much."... I like them because you get to see big losses in what feels like not a ton of effort or time. This whole "doing it healthy" and watching what I eat/walking as I can etc takes so much longer and it's just not fun.  I know it's best for me in the long run.

So, now... I've had my first out of control day and I'm up about a pound for it. So, that means I have lost nothing for this week so far. NOTHING. ouch.

Today is a new day, and if I do my best today and tomorrow... I might, just might see a little bit of a loss for this week by Monday morning. I don't really want to hear, "It's not about the scale, it's about your overall health" and those types of comments... My mental health needs to see the scale go down! LOL

I told you, in my very first post, that I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of letting myself down... and yesterday, that is exactly what I did. It's a day though, and I know I can move on from that. I guess I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed and under-excited about it all.

Just keepin it real. :) If I only told you about my happy fluffy feelings...this blog wouldn't help anyone. ;)

Halloween LOSS

So, I admitted Halloween was scary to me... not because of ghosts or giant spiders... Because of CANDY! My willpower has fallen short on many occasions due to chocolate. 

This is the time of year I began to gain weight in 2008, after having lost 98 pounds from Jan-Oct. I have a hard time trusting myself, but I am very aware and honest with myself about it this year. 

We walked and walked with the boys and cousins last night, visited great aunty's house (where it was a candy free for all)... I kept my camera around my neck and stayed busy photographing everyone else. I did not have one piece of candy the whole night. Victory!

This morning I weighed, and I am down a half pound from my last weigh in. DOWN, the morning after Halloween. VICTORY!

I'm thankful we can become aware of our struggles, be honest with ourselves (and those who encourage and support us), pray, and have VICTORY over them!!!

I'm not losing fantastic this week, but I am not going over my calorie counts, so the loss will catch up to the effort soon!