Hey Ya'll...
Not sure if anyone is going to see this, because I was doing so great and then dropped off the face of the earth! lol It's ok... The biggest reason I'm writing this blog is to help MYSELF to see my journey, and learn as I go.
After my last post, I decided I was not being wise. I knew my motivation was weak, and it was JUST before Thanksgiving and Christmas... all I was going to do was fail and feel bad and eat to feel better! lol So, I told myself (even though the voices in my head knew it was justification etc etc)... that I'll just "Not gain" during the holidays. I wont go crazy with wanting to lose, but I'll just work to not gain during that time.
Wellllll..... That didn't work. LOL
So, it's now the new year and I decided to get on the scale. As I stepped on, I was praying, "Just don't be 250+, please don't be 250+".... My weight this morning was 243. I "only" gained 5 pounds over the holidays! WHAT?... If you could have seen the way I was "not gaining" with all that food in my mouth... you'd have assumed I'd be at 250+ also! lol
I can't promise I'll be a weight loss guru, I can't promise I'll be consistent, I can't promise anything at this point. I just told someone today, I know I'm not where I need to be... but I know I haven't given up!
I had a tough and awesome meeting with the cardiologist... where I learned that there was never a reason to fear a stroke due to my condition... There was never a reason to stop working out... the things I had been told were incorrect, and completely altered the face of my life for the past 3-4 years. I stopped exercising because I was told I shouldn't even be walking (and because it was a REALLY nice excuse not to... having them tell me I couldn't because of my heart!). It wasn't the old cardiologists fault that I chose to eat more than my body could burn with our working out... the eating part was my fault, but the misinformation really stinks too.
So, I'm 243 today, and not highly motivated... but highly disgusted with how my pants fit. I wish that would push the internal motivation to change it. I'm not making any grand promises, but I'm trying. I'm not sure how often I'll "check in" here... and I'm not intending to be a widely "followed" blogger here... but this is a place where I intend to come and be honest, and share my thoughts/struggles/achievements etc. :)
One thing I know... my priorities are screwed up. Facebook gets too much time, my house needs more attention, I need to stand up more than I sit at my desk chair!... One thing, for my personal life, is that I need to get back into sitting in my "reading chair." I had a great system going where I'd go sit in a comfy chair in our livingroom and read. I've never been a big reader, but I need to brew my coffee and let some of the Word settle into my heart each day. That is a fantastic place to start, and watch the rest learn to come in line with what is Right and True.
Off I go. :)
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
I was on a mission...
This morning, I'm going walking with my friend. We are meeting at 9:30, but I drive 10 minutes into town to drop off my boys for school at 8. I decided to bring my book and park my car somewhere to read. Only problem is, I forgot to eat.
The thought processes begin.
Well, the McDs sausage egg mcmuffin has a lot of protein! There it was, I was on my way to McDs! A backup thought: It's totally within my calories means for a meal, and I'll more than burn it off on my walk. I got to the drive thru.
"You don't have oatmeal do you?" (WHAT, where did THAT come from)(Hoping she would say no, because then id just have to get the sausage egg mcmuffin!) "Yes, we do!"
Guess who drove away from McDs with a small victory? ME! :)
On to the rest of my day and all the dumb mental processes I'll have to overcome.
Thankful and hateful towards choices!
Monday, November 4, 2013
Afraid to Eat...
It's 9am, my day started at 6am. So far, I have only had my coffee (which does have some cream and sugar... ok, a lot of it). I'm sitting here knowing I need to eat, but almost feeling afraid. When I start the whole process of putting food into my body for the day, the battle of putting the RIGHT foods into my body begins. WHY does it have to feel so overwhelming?
End of Week Two...
Wow, this week has been a doozy. You can see by the posts I made, it just wasn't a big happy weight loss week. I went down, I went up a bit (day after Halloween), and I've gone down again. The difficult part for me is, I'm an "All or Nothing" kind of person. When I've done a "Fad diet," I follow the given rules TO THE T every time and I lose weight faster than projected etc etc. When losing weight "the right way" it's more difficult for me to follow the rules TO THE T because the rules bend a little more, to fit reality. I have a set amount of calories that I stay under, and there is a ratio of fat/protein/carbs that I also try to pay attention to... but the variations of how to get there are so vast, there aren't enough boundaries for me to stick close to. With that, I find myself becoming bored because I take away a lot of those vast options and stick with my select few so that I feel more confined and "Followable."
All that said... My results (no drum roll please! lol)
Last week's weigh in: 238.8
This week: 238.5
On a positive note... I'm impressed with myself for recovering after my "Day after Halloween Melt Down." It actually turned into two days after Halloween (as it always does, or more, right?). I saw 240 again on the scale during this week, and it made me cry. That whole fear of failing myself, really sunk in and I almost counted myself out. I almost threw in the towel and grabbed for more chocolate! lol
For the week ahead... I am going to TRY not to get on the scale at all until Monday. I'm recognizing what a head trip I have over what that number says every day. I'm going to make my smoothy in the morning, even if it means my boys wake up to the sound of a blender! There were 2-3 days this past week where I didn't do it first thing and then the hustle and bustle of getting them TO school happened and I never got it in the morning... The only thing I had was either my coffee (which has enough calories to get my system going, trust me), or nothing at all, and then I found myself hunting for something satisfying.
My house is a wreck and I still feel at a loss for energy or "want to" to do anything about it. I'm all caught up on photo edits for my clients, and my next sessions aren't until the weekend... so, I SHOULD be able to drop the boys off, come home, and clean. Lord knows, I've cleaned other people's house for a paycheck... my family deserves for me to clean our own. We have a big Thanksgiving celebration coming up on the 23rd with my family... at MY house... gotta make shine! ;)
If I'm honest with myself and all the blog-land people... I'm not feeling excited. I was REALLY happy to see a tiny bit of a loss from last week. I got on the scale with closed eyes, not wanting to see the amount of gain I was going to have to report! No joke. If you're the praying type, as I am, and you feel like lifting me up in prayer this week... please ask the Lord to brighten my heart. I'm so SO blessed in my life and I don't know why this "bleh" feeling is floating around in my mind and heart. I want to beat it, but I'm sure it'll only be by the grace of God. Thank You. ;)
Here's to a greater loss to report next week!
All that said... My results (no drum roll please! lol)
Last week's weigh in: 238.8
This week: 238.5
On a positive note... I'm impressed with myself for recovering after my "Day after Halloween Melt Down." It actually turned into two days after Halloween (as it always does, or more, right?). I saw 240 again on the scale during this week, and it made me cry. That whole fear of failing myself, really sunk in and I almost counted myself out. I almost threw in the towel and grabbed for more chocolate! lol
For the week ahead... I am going to TRY not to get on the scale at all until Monday. I'm recognizing what a head trip I have over what that number says every day. I'm going to make my smoothy in the morning, even if it means my boys wake up to the sound of a blender! There were 2-3 days this past week where I didn't do it first thing and then the hustle and bustle of getting them TO school happened and I never got it in the morning... The only thing I had was either my coffee (which has enough calories to get my system going, trust me), or nothing at all, and then I found myself hunting for something satisfying.
My house is a wreck and I still feel at a loss for energy or "want to" to do anything about it. I'm all caught up on photo edits for my clients, and my next sessions aren't until the weekend... so, I SHOULD be able to drop the boys off, come home, and clean. Lord knows, I've cleaned other people's house for a paycheck... my family deserves for me to clean our own. We have a big Thanksgiving celebration coming up on the 23rd with my family... at MY house... gotta make shine! ;)
If I'm honest with myself and all the blog-land people... I'm not feeling excited. I was REALLY happy to see a tiny bit of a loss from last week. I got on the scale with closed eyes, not wanting to see the amount of gain I was going to have to report! No joke. If you're the praying type, as I am, and you feel like lifting me up in prayer this week... please ask the Lord to brighten my heart. I'm so SO blessed in my life and I don't know why this "bleh" feeling is floating around in my mind and heart. I want to beat it, but I'm sure it'll only be by the grace of God. Thank You. ;)
Here's to a greater loss to report next week!
Saturday, November 2, 2013
From Victory to Defeat... it's crushing.
Yesterday's post was so fun. I lost weight over Halloween night, what's up with THAT?
Do you want to know how twisted my mind works though?... When I weighed yesterday morning, I did lose weight, but my overall weight loss since Monday was only 0.5 pounds. That's Monday morning to Friday morning with no cheating, not going over on my calories and even having walked a day with my friend... total loss 0.5lbs. That was discouraging to me. So, I went from the high of having lost over Halloween, to an out of control day.
I did not get my thoughts under control, and I did not do the things that I knew would help me have more success in my day (like filling up with something healthy so the boys' candy wouldn't look so good etc). They kept bringing me pieces of candy to open for them, and I did... and then Matthew brought me a piece with his big brown eyes and asked me to share it with him, and it begun. I didn't go as out of control as I could have gone... by far, but I did eat some candy with them. Then, later in the day when we warmed up some Eggo's... I indulged there too (no butter and syrup, but still, it was not in my plan and I had NO willpower).
This morning I laid in my bed thinking. Not really wanting to get up because then I'd have to start the day of choices. My thought process went to "That's why I like fad diets so much."... I like them because you get to see big losses in what feels like not a ton of effort or time. This whole "doing it healthy" and watching what I eat/walking as I can etc takes so much longer and it's just not fun. I know it's best for me in the long run.
So, now... I've had my first out of control day and I'm up about a pound for it. So, that means I have lost nothing for this week so far. NOTHING. ouch.
Today is a new day, and if I do my best today and tomorrow... I might, just might see a little bit of a loss for this week by Monday morning. I don't really want to hear, "It's not about the scale, it's about your overall health" and those types of comments... My mental health needs to see the scale go down! LOL
I told you, in my very first post, that I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of letting myself down... and yesterday, that is exactly what I did. It's a day though, and I know I can move on from that. I guess I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed and under-excited about it all.
Just keepin it real. :) If I only told you about my happy fluffy feelings...this blog wouldn't help anyone. ;)
Do you want to know how twisted my mind works though?... When I weighed yesterday morning, I did lose weight, but my overall weight loss since Monday was only 0.5 pounds. That's Monday morning to Friday morning with no cheating, not going over on my calories and even having walked a day with my friend... total loss 0.5lbs. That was discouraging to me. So, I went from the high of having lost over Halloween, to an out of control day.
I did not get my thoughts under control, and I did not do the things that I knew would help me have more success in my day (like filling up with something healthy so the boys' candy wouldn't look so good etc). They kept bringing me pieces of candy to open for them, and I did... and then Matthew brought me a piece with his big brown eyes and asked me to share it with him, and it begun. I didn't go as out of control as I could have gone... by far, but I did eat some candy with them. Then, later in the day when we warmed up some Eggo's... I indulged there too (no butter and syrup, but still, it was not in my plan and I had NO willpower).
This morning I laid in my bed thinking. Not really wanting to get up because then I'd have to start the day of choices. My thought process went to "That's why I like fad diets so much."... I like them because you get to see big losses in what feels like not a ton of effort or time. This whole "doing it healthy" and watching what I eat/walking as I can etc takes so much longer and it's just not fun. I know it's best for me in the long run.
So, now... I've had my first out of control day and I'm up about a pound for it. So, that means I have lost nothing for this week so far. NOTHING. ouch.
Today is a new day, and if I do my best today and tomorrow... I might, just might see a little bit of a loss for this week by Monday morning. I don't really want to hear, "It's not about the scale, it's about your overall health" and those types of comments... My mental health needs to see the scale go down! LOL
I told you, in my very first post, that I'm scared of failing. I'm scared of letting myself down... and yesterday, that is exactly what I did. It's a day though, and I know I can move on from that. I guess I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed and under-excited about it all.
Just keepin it real. :) If I only told you about my happy fluffy feelings...this blog wouldn't help anyone. ;)
Friday, November 1, 2013
Halloween LOSS
So, I admitted Halloween was scary to me... not because of ghosts or giant spiders... Because of CANDY! My willpower has fallen short on many occasions due to chocolate.
This is the time of year I began to gain weight in 2008, after having lost 98 pounds from Jan-Oct. I have a hard time trusting myself, but I am very aware and honest with myself about it this year.
We walked and walked with the boys and cousins last night, visited great aunty's house (where it was a candy free for all)... I kept my camera around my neck and stayed busy photographing everyone else. I did not have one piece of candy the whole night. Victory!
This morning I weighed, and I am down a half pound from my last weigh in. DOWN, the morning after Halloween. VICTORY!
I'm thankful we can become aware of our struggles, be honest with ourselves (and those who encourage and support us), pray, and have VICTORY over them!!!
I'm not losing fantastic this week, but I am not going over my calorie counts, so the loss will catch up to the effort soon!
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
STRUG-GLIN
Today is the first day I'm REALLY lookin around my house like, "What can I EAT???" It just hit me, though, something that could be the cause!
Well... there's the whole monthly cycle thing... I think it's the time of the month where I'm just more hungry.
Besides that... I didn't have my shake in the morning like I usually do. I've actually yet to have it at all. I went for a walk with a friend, and she wanted to stop in at a cafe mid-walk. We had an impromptu breakfast. I was going to get some oatmeal, but an omelet was suggested and I figured I'd get more protein that way. I asked for fruit instead of the potatoes and bread. Unfortunately, when my plate came, they forgot about my substitution... and I ate the bread. I only ended up eating half of the omelet and just a couple bites of potatoes, and packaged up the rest for my husband to eat later. I enjoyed the time with my friend. BUT, when we were leaving, I felt guilty for having eaten the bread (with butter and jam)... and I started down the old thought process of, "Well, I've screwed up, so why not just enjoy the rest of the day?"... oh man, that's a doozy of a wrong thought.
I did drink my water as we walked, and I had only had my coffee before that (I know, awful, but we had a rough start to our day and I needed to get my two boys, a class project, and my camera ready to go capture Joe's class play... I ran out of time to eat). So, as I drove home, I realized that I probably wasn't THAT far off from where I should be with my calories for the day. I only ate a little less than half of the omelet, that wasn't huge anyway, and a couple slices of sourdough bread. So, I got home and logged what I ate (as best I could)... (now realizing I forgot about the butter)... and grabbed my water.
BUT... then I grabbed my coconut and started just eating it. Not measuring to know I'm eating the right portion, as I have been. I was feeling a big out of control and not wanting to find control... just wanting to enjoy some nice soothing FEASTING! lol
So, here I am... writing it out, getting it off of my brain and making it somehow more "real" since I have now written it. I'm off to go make my shake, even though it's not really "time" for me to be eating right now... just so I will STOP thinking about food!
Tonight is a busy night with Awana... I'll plan my snacks, eat light, and drink my water... to try to recoop this day.
Oh... one other thing set me off too... I weighed this morning. I hadn't weighed yesterday, and there has not been one day since the beginning where I have gone over calories... but, I was UP in my weight. I know, fluctuation happens, but it messes up my mind and somehow makes me want to eat... which makes me gain, and I go down that bummer cycle all over again.
I'm Done. I will NOT binge eat today, I will NOT think the wrong thoughts about why I should eat or why I shouldn't care... I'm off to "Shake it up" and move on from this struggling morning! Praise the Lord!
Well... there's the whole monthly cycle thing... I think it's the time of the month where I'm just more hungry.
Besides that... I didn't have my shake in the morning like I usually do. I've actually yet to have it at all. I went for a walk with a friend, and she wanted to stop in at a cafe mid-walk. We had an impromptu breakfast. I was going to get some oatmeal, but an omelet was suggested and I figured I'd get more protein that way. I asked for fruit instead of the potatoes and bread. Unfortunately, when my plate came, they forgot about my substitution... and I ate the bread. I only ended up eating half of the omelet and just a couple bites of potatoes, and packaged up the rest for my husband to eat later. I enjoyed the time with my friend. BUT, when we were leaving, I felt guilty for having eaten the bread (with butter and jam)... and I started down the old thought process of, "Well, I've screwed up, so why not just enjoy the rest of the day?"... oh man, that's a doozy of a wrong thought.
I did drink my water as we walked, and I had only had my coffee before that (I know, awful, but we had a rough start to our day and I needed to get my two boys, a class project, and my camera ready to go capture Joe's class play... I ran out of time to eat). So, as I drove home, I realized that I probably wasn't THAT far off from where I should be with my calories for the day. I only ate a little less than half of the omelet, that wasn't huge anyway, and a couple slices of sourdough bread. So, I got home and logged what I ate (as best I could)... (now realizing I forgot about the butter)... and grabbed my water.
BUT... then I grabbed my coconut and started just eating it. Not measuring to know I'm eating the right portion, as I have been. I was feeling a big out of control and not wanting to find control... just wanting to enjoy some nice soothing FEASTING! lol
So, here I am... writing it out, getting it off of my brain and making it somehow more "real" since I have now written it. I'm off to go make my shake, even though it's not really "time" for me to be eating right now... just so I will STOP thinking about food!
Tonight is a busy night with Awana... I'll plan my snacks, eat light, and drink my water... to try to recoop this day.
Oh... one other thing set me off too... I weighed this morning. I hadn't weighed yesterday, and there has not been one day since the beginning where I have gone over calories... but, I was UP in my weight. I know, fluctuation happens, but it messes up my mind and somehow makes me want to eat... which makes me gain, and I go down that bummer cycle all over again.
I'm Done. I will NOT binge eat today, I will NOT think the wrong thoughts about why I should eat or why I shouldn't care... I'm off to "Shake it up" and move on from this struggling morning! Praise the Lord!
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