Today is the first day of the 1,203,450'th time of starting over...

My husband and I just had our tenth anniversary (yay!)... before we went away for the weekend, a package arrived at my door. It was from Shakeology, which my friend Michelle Skeldon introduced me to.  There it was, the thing that would help me start a new attempt at being healthy (again) for the 1,203,450th time. OK, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but it's how I feel. So, I went away on my weekend, knowing "Monday was coming." With that knowledge, I decided to start eating healthy and preparing myself for the big changes ahead... NOT!  I doubled down on all things sweet for fear that it would be the last time I'd have the opportunity for a LONG time... seeing that I have about 70 pounds to lose. (OUCH)

A brief history of my last very successful attempt at being healthy... 2008, I made the decision I was done being fat and tired, when I got on the scale and it said 265 pounds (another OUCH)... I started counting my calories, writing down what I ate, and moving as often as I could. Most of the time, that meant walking, some of the time that meant doing jumping jacks in my living room in front of my TV because I hadn't burned enough calories for the day yet (according to the bodybugg that was planted on my arm at all times). I actually remember a day I ran in circles in my little living room to get to my 10,000 steps for the day!  I got down to 168, just a few pounds shy of having lost 100 pounds in less than a year.

At that point in our lives, we had just purchased a home, had our second baby, remodeled said home, and then the market crashed. Our plan, which we felt was well put together, had a dependency on the then awesome housing market when we purchased. With the market crash, our plan crashed and we lost the home (wow, I just got that pain in my nose like I might cry... I thought I was past that)... My husband had put SO MUCH work into the home, I had moved into it with a month old baby and two year old, and we had invested so much. It was only 18months after we bought it for 500k, that it sold in a short sale for $265k. (another OUCH).

So, short story: I ate. I ate to feel better, I ate not to have to think, I ate because I was a mom of a newborn and 2yr old... I ate because it's where I thought my easiest comfort would come from. I gained. I lied to myself, "it's just a bit, you have lost so much, you can lose this easy!"... I ate, I gained, I lied to myself... it has repeated until I'm just 20 pounds shy of having gained all of the weight I had lost back. (the biggest ouch of all). There have been other struggles in the 5 years, including finding out I have a heart condition and being told by a cardiologist that I shouldn't even be walking.

I've tried a few things... ok, a lot of things... I've had a quick 30 pound loss here, 20 pounds there... always coming back with a vengeance, as though my body is telling me, "What do you think I am?" and throwing attitude back my way.

Today... it's annoying to say and so cliche, but it's a new day. Monday has come. I was supposed to walk with a friend, but her schedule needed a shift... I was supposed to get to sleep until 7am and feel rested... but my son woke up at 4:30 and I never got to go back to sleep... I stood there at 5am looking through my kitchen, wanting to eat my frustration away... and I saw the darned bag of Shakeology waiting for me to meet it today. I brewed my coffee, came to my desk to do some photo edits and brewed in my icky morning. BUT... I didn't eat. (YAY!)

I know there are so many people like me. I know there are so many people who don't think anything will ever help and who can't seem to get out of their own way. So, today, I felt like I'd start a blog to track, not my food intake or my amount of movement, but my feelings and thoughts... I'm believing I WILL get to 170 again... maybe lower, but I was a hot Mama at 170! lol... When I'm there, I'll forget some of the pain of being right here and I wont be able to truly identify, even though I think I will. Because, when I am at my goal weight, I will be like many others who can't contain their excitement (and rightly so)... but, I will have a hard time truly remembering the agony of my heaviest weight. (ok, nose pain just turned to tears, but it's the cleansing/letting go type, so I'm ok with it).

So, this is me: day 1: 244 pounds. I'm scared, of failure mostly. I'm excited, but very guardedly because of that fear of not succeeding. The truth is, it's seriously tough to believe in myself when I have failed myself so many times. I'm so thankful I have a Heavenly Father who makes me able to step outside of myself and rest in His ability to be strong for me when I'm weak... now, just to remember to turn to Him instead of food, and I'm golden!

2 Corinthans 12:9-10 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness," Therefor I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions,  in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I'm going to attempt to not weigh in again until next Monday (in the past, I've weighed in daily as I tried to lose weight, but there are so many chances for fluctuations and discouragement... I'm going to try to hold out for the bigger weekly loss)... I will check in here after my weigh ins, and at times when I'm either inspired or overcome during this journey. I pray I can be a blessing and an encouragement, even now as it's such a HUGE struggle for me..... Let the fun begin!